In the wee hours of the night

2010-03-01T04:38:00.000-08:00

真搞不懂，到底它的道理是什么，只知道它的方法，真的很无奈。

放弃，有点冲动，但认真想想，放弃的行为太过懦弱了，太不像我了（哈，开玩笑啦）。

其实我是个很没有用的人，嘴巴会说但行动上欠佳，所以现在学精了，不说也不承诺，好让自己一身轻。不过这种心态真的很糟糕，站出来都会被人踩几脚，或丢石头。因此，我决定不要再那么没用，如果真的要明白就要努力地去寻找答案，努力地去思考和实行。

烂，是可以形容当下的我，不过我真的要好好的加油了。

佩，徽，你们也要好好的加油哦！

busy

2010-02-26T01:08:00.001-08:00

ha , today is a busy day for me. I need to study economics stuff as i have already given back everything to the lecturer.

Due to so busy, hence today i cant write much. haha, i didnt break my promise ler...

开心

2010-02-25T03:18:00.000-08:00

今天很开心，因为那种感觉又回来了。

其实，你有没有发现到，我开心得口齿不清，乱嘻哈了一番。知道你在澳洲很健康，我已经很满足了。刚才的通话，我突然很莫名的开心，因为那层隔膜又不见了。先前我想我们的隔膜是因为选科的问题，但过后才发现不是，而是信任的问题。那个地方我想我已经找到了，我不懂对不对，你不妨去看看，如果对了最告诉我哦; 错了我就要再加把劲。

哈，觉得自己很失败，竟然开口On skype 的人是你，而不是我。但今天的沟通也了解‘看开’的真正定义。不管未来如何，咱们好好加油哦！

today training

2010-02-25T01:23:00.000-08:00

Today i arranged Mr. Chuah to replace my morning class and i went for the so called" classroom management" training. I actually was quite happy in attending this because most of my colleagues were joining it and we seriously wanted to find out the solutions about our classroom management. Throughout the whole training I learned how to act and how to deal with some difficult conditions. We are required to present what we have learned during the training, we listed out all the things (frankly speaking, I am lucky as i am grouped with Ms Leong and Wong, they are expects la...) and presented in front of the trainer and trainees.

Everything that has being presented is perfect and ideal, but in real life, it seems like too idealised. There are always an accident out of the sudden which we can't find in the books or else where, experience is the vital part to be needed now. In more practical way, we need to apply what we have learned in our lecture or tutorial classes. Be honest, my mind only left 10 % of the training knowledge, 90% sent back to the trainer. I think if no practice, what i have been learned today is equal to zero, is nothing. Hence, why people say "practice makes perfect", i need to practise more in order to do it naturally.

need to go to bath, yeah! tomorrow is a public holiday, thinking need to do some reading later.

2010-02-23T05:51:00.000-08:00

一眨眼，我还来不及回头，新年就这样过了。我的假期也这样没了，好不痛快哦！好想把自己像包裹那样包起来，躲在被窝里，过一个冬眠，爽啊！

今天突然心血来潮，所以决定把遗忘已久的部落格再添新的内容及章节。我今天告诉自己，我要活得比以前更充实（虽然我没有真正的充实过。。。哈）更有活力，每天要写各自一篇华文及英文blog，然后做自我检讨，检讨每一天的事，心情及情绪。虽然我在此告白，但三分钟热度的我，有着极底的潜力去实行我的诺言，所以可能我会食言。可是别担心，因为我还有30%是会实行我的诺言的。认识我的人，请不要泼我冷水，吾需要你们多多的支持啊！要揍我请来我的家。。哈。

我还有一个目标，就是增肥。新年期间，人人都变胖，只有我便瘦，成何体统！所以我要吃得健康，早餐必吃，午餐也是，晚餐吃轻便的食物（何谓轻便？），运动也要做！打算去习舞，找回昔日舞台的感觉，好怀念当时台上的紧张，灯光打在身上的时候，真的好感动。所以打算找佩一起去参与石头舞团的练习，看看自己还是不适合跳舞，和陶冶性情。

累了，明天有八点的课，加油咯。

To QuaCi

2010-02-23T05:35:00.000-08:00

Knowing that QuaCi passed away, it was somehow a very uneasy feeling inside my heart. I told myself that it shouldn't be QuaCi because for what I know her so far, she was a happy go lucky and friendly person, she wouldn't be a person who mind would go astray to choose to end her life by suicide. Low, please stand strong, what we can do now is hoping QuaCi will live happily in the heaven. Life is so fragile, no one can predict the future event, hence, what we can do is to try our best to live our lives to the fullest. Meanwhile, make sure that we can think positively and always carry a peaceful mind. Although it is quite tough to reach and achieve, we still need to try our best to do it and accomplish it.

QuaCi, take care!

2010-01-28T03:33:00.000-08:00

不懂为什么，今天的心情特别的低落，也许是有太多东西还在等着我去完成，有点喘不过气来。

今天在facebook看见强华的告别，内心里有点激动，但又有点无奈，因为真的不想看见这样的结局。或许说结局也言之过早，真的希望它永远也不要发生。人类就是这个样子，很容易就把个人的见解和定义放在某一样自己很熟悉的东西上，当事过境迁，它发生了变化，人类就会很恼怒，很难妥协，就会开始问为什么，开始批评，把所有的不满全都发泄出来。我想这一切的发生都是因为一个字“比较”。比较这过去和现在，然后开始击评，慢慢的就心情低落，最后是哀叹，和哭。

我的心情也是这个样子，所以我是个平凡的人类。

就是一直认为的东西，最近开始了变化，我也开始着急了起来。但又很无奈，因为这不是我掌控的范围，我很伤心，也很焦虑，我们是不是就这样了。。。

不管如何，你还是我生命中重要的人，朋友。我真的很想念你，你要加油哦。虽然我不是你最重要的人，但。。。。

算了，我也不想说了，你要好好的加油。

遗憾

2010-01-08T07:06:00.000-08:00

隔别了许久，我又上来了。

在我所谓“许久” 的定义，那该是两到三个月的时光，不是很长但却发生了许多变迁，使我不得不觉得那是个漫长的岁月。今天的回头望，不知何时能再次地回眸，因为忙而所以盲或是为了避免遗憾，所以选择了向前看。其实能拥有能力去回忆，那是一件很浪漫的事。趁脑细胞还灵活，要好好地回味过去，好的，不好的，都要品尝，因为那时生活的一部分。我真的很怀念我们的过去，回想起的时候，脑袋里还荡漾着昔日的笑声，每一个动作，每一个细节，都那么触目惊心，突然好想回到过去，把遗憾的空间都填满，然后添上渴望的色彩，好让老的时候可以慢慢地品尝。

可是我们不是超人，而是平凡到很平凡的人，所以遗憾都沾满了大家的身躯，埋伏在每一个我们不留意的空隙。那天在回家的途中，发现了一颗好大的黄花树，树上长满了黄花，突然让我想起了我中学时在校园里的那一颗黄花树。每当黄花树开花时，只要微风轻轻地一吹，一朵一朵的小黄花就会随风飘落，远看像是在下黄雪，非常漂亮。很遗憾的是，我没有和它拍过照片，不知现在的它会不会像昔日的它那么迷人，不过我还是很高兴因为我发现另一颗了。哈哈！

想着想着，我的脑袋又开始碎碎念，心里在感慨着生命的奇妙还有相处的短暂。做一个好人是我的誓言，所以朋友，你也要加油哦。我会想念你的，虽然你对我已经冷漠，但我不会放弃这一个誓言。

2009-11-24T23:58:00.000-08:00

各别了很久，我又上来我的部落格晃一晃。时间过得很快，我已经开始了我的第二个学期的课堂。对于“第二”这个字眼很耿耿于怀，因为到目前为止，还没有头绪论文要写什么，真是个蹉跎的家伙！！看了看人家的论文，似乎徐志摩的作品已被世人研究到不能研究的地步，我猜想，我还能研究什么？我爱现代文，所以到目前为止，我还那么坚持研究现代文，不过。。。却没有头绪要写什么。我真是个没用的家伙！

有时候开始会怀疑，怀疑自己到底是不是华文的料子，干吗什么都不知道和想不到。真的是很想撞墙，呃。。。我的旁边刚好是个硬墙，是时候做个了解了！铃。。。铃， oh no...电话响，妈妈is calling....（为什么不让我死。。。）

妈妈和爸爸今天下来kl，原来他们已经到了，所以我还不可以死，我还要和他们会面。不可以吓坏老人家。

haiz...累了，不想写了。愿我可以解决目前的困境。

加油

2009-11-08T00:33:00.000-08:00

哈，考试即将来临了，不想读书。

好讨厌星期天，让我觉得好累的感觉。因为明天是工作天，好想休息，但却有种害怕的感觉，所以不上不下的，让人不知所措。应该说是忐忑不安吧！

刚才看完了宫心计，又再次觉得金领很像我，是个很坏的女生。其实很伤心，但还是要任命，因为我感觉我好像她。说真的，在这世上没有人是很勇敢的去面对自己的缺点，凡是一点的触碰，就开始为自己解释。解释到像似不是因为自己的性格不好，而是因为某某的原因。还记得徽曾经告诉过我，一旦掩饰的开始，就避不了谎言的开始，人都会为了自己，编制更多的谎言，谎言叠谎言，那人就活在谎言之下。其实认真地想想，我也开始累了谎言的生活，觉得好没有意思。难道人就要那么爱面子吗？面子真地那么重要？

徽，我有改变到吗？自从你告诉我那凡话后，我有点厌恶我自己。我觉得我好没用，即使在你的面前还要隐瞒你，哈，虽然是陈年旧事了，我还是希望我真的能有所改变。哈，坦诚的把内心的咚咚告诉你，其实我觉得我比以前更勇敢的面对自己，比起以前，我轻松许多。

哈，明天要考试啦，大家一起加油哦！

致他

2009-10-01T08:16:00.000-07:00

说真的，这个月发生很多事情，陆陆续续地，把整个九月都掩埋了。

灰灰暗暗地，我的心情多半也是暗淡的颜色。

我在想，也许九月对我而言是泪水的季节，它包含了开心，伤心，忧郁，和害怕。这一些我都在他和她的身上找到了。可能在还没认识我们的他，他是从来都没有如此的相信上天，也是个寂寞的人。认识以后，我相信他的生命也许不会再乏味，他也开始忙碌了起来，多了两个麻烦的人物，不同生命的元素起了化学作用，开出了意想不到的作用物，五味陈杂，缭乱了步伐。

上天把她带给我，我也因此相信了上天的存在，因为我的心，思想，已被善良的她给牵动着。

他也是上天的一部分，而且还是个孩子，可爱的孩子。虽说有时候理智得不象话，但有时候感性得像个孩子，很顽固，很稚气。

话说回来，缘分在作怪，思想也在作祟，密密麻麻地让人透不过气来。

他和她的约定，我也不知要如何是好，但我真的很不想看到这样的情景，很伤。心的某一角落受伤了，要弥补也要一段时间，不懂他的心是否还在淌着血？

多么希望可以改变此结局，但却心有余而力不足，绰绰有余的长度，要攀爬但却被紫色的枷锁给扣住了，无能为力。

紫色紫色，你何时会消失呢？希望颜色和恶魔的心灵不会是她做决定的原因。

不管结局会如何，我希望我们能像以前那样，快快乐乐的笑着，不要再被伤心的气氛笼罩，因为我们的生命有限，珍惜才是最重要的。

他要开心哦！还有好多未来在等着他，加油吧！不要再伤心了，不然我也会和他一起哭泣。。。

my feeling

2009-09-08T09:01:00.000-07:00

忘了是哪一天，心很烦，头很乱，就画了这一幅画。

想哭愈哭不出，现在回头想想，也不晓得原因是什么。不过还记得当时那一点点的心情。

哭泣有什么不好，哭了就会累，累了就会睏，然后就会睡着。等到醒来的时候，又是新的一天，新的开始。那昨夜的心情，就像风干的记忆，没了味道，却只剩下淡淡的刻板画。

我喜欢伤感的气氛，但却讨厌伤感的心情，有没有可能和伤感成为绝缘体，只和气氛有共鸣？哈，好矛盾哦。。。

徽徽看了这幅画，她告诉我说，“好伤感啊。。。不想看了，好伤心哦！”。原来我当时的心情真的很伤。。。不过我也忘了是什么心情了，只是很荣幸的可以把这一刻画下来，了解了解以下自己。

无题

2009-08-17T08:02:00.000-07:00

今天的心情，怪怪的。

真的不知道我在想什么，我想我真的是太累了吧！！

好高兴见到徽，王老师和雷老师，因为废废的话题其实很有乐趣，至少我们都是笑笑的哦！

我真的好喜欢你们哦，大家一起加油哦！

累了，去睡了。。。

flower

2009-08-10T06:33:00.000-07:00

This was my feeling just now. Don't know why after drawing, it became a flower at the end. It was a weird flower though,at last, i am ok already.

flower flower, sorry for expressing my anger on you,but after drawing you, i became better and better. Even though your existance was come from my anger, because of you, i felt steady more.

Thanks for supporting me, let me send this flower to you all, stay happily always! smile!!

心情抒发

2009-08-10T05:57:00.000-07:00

今天的心情很不好，超级超级不好！！！！！！我要打东西，很用力的打，打到精疲力尽为止，打到我累倒，然后去睡觉，发个美梦。为什么人会发脾气？为什么发脾气会让人失去理智，开始胡思乱想？不知道，现在的我在打字的当儿也慢慢地把心情收拾好，突然间肚子也饿了。刚才ong

老师请我喝starbucks hazelnut hot chocolate，很好喝，喝到我的肚子饱饱的，但刚才的脾气，导致我火气上升，消耗了不少精力，好饿哦！！！

噢，不想去想了，好想吃东西哦。家里好像没有什么东西是好吃的，我想吃好吃的！！！

对了，ong老师，cuti没怪你啦，别在意啦！！他没有那么小气啦！

但，生气完了又好想睡觉哦，饿，但又想睡觉，为什么那么力不从心呢？

hui hui,我没事了啦，只是累了些，不知为什么，可能是太过用心听ong老师讲课了，所以现在没力了。哈，真好笑，突然觉得自己真的好笨哦，为什么还能在大学生存？可能得到上天的眷顾吧！不过教书真的是个很好的挑战对于我而言，因为会让我更认真地学习！！

加油哦，子欣！！

心

2009-07-30T03:23:00.000-07:00

自从认识徽后，我一直研究“心”的问题。

“心”可以看似为心理或心灵或是心态上的咚咚，但我只懂每个人的心已被这三种元素参杂，已分不清楚了。不懂为什么要去探讨这些有点莫名其妙的“心”世界，也许是被爸爸影响的吧。我爸，是个禅道人士，他很鼓励我坐禅。他说坐禅可以平静心灵，净化灵魂，还有消除业障。我尝试了好久，最后的结论是，我选择放弃。原因是，我还没有能力掌握我的心。

禅是要在很安静的环境下进行的，头脑要很清醒，心要很定，一呼一吸，全要由心灵来控制。我的失败是因为我的心不定，我的脑袋一直在想东西，心灵和脑袋都无法真正的安静起来。每次心定了，脑袋就开始想，今天我做了什么啊，我开心的事迹，我得罪了谁啊，我的小时候等等。。。我爸说，在这种情况下，人是最容易走火入魔，所以我都会在这个时候选择停止，不然你可能看不到我了，我也许是疯了也说不定（tanjung rambutan 可能有我的名字哦！！)

其实认识徽后，我与她之间发生了许多许多事，但这儿不方便提。她让我开始好奇起自己的心灵到底在想什么，为什么人会有妒忌心，真恨心，欢喜心等等。我也开始质疑自己说，为什么人没有能力去控制自己的不良想法，让埋藏在内心的纯真来挽留不良的开始？难道人类真的要让不良的灵魂去为所欲为，让纯真的心慢慢地被吞噬和渐渐地腐化。

欲望是影响心灵的最大要素，没有人是活着没有欲望的，我也是其中一位的。爱情是欲望的一种，它让人茶饭不思，让人渴望罗曼谛克，让人爱得无法自拔。你曾问过你自己，你到底是不是欲望的傀儡？有时候我们也无法控制，我们都是凡人，我们是有感情的生物。但另一方面的解释，这都是人类的借口吗？有时候欲望的驱使，单恋及暗恋的人们总是因为太爱，往往忽略了被爱人的感受。心灵的方向，有时候真的是无法控制，但对于我来说，在这种非常时刻，理智是很重要的。

哈，我似乎是想太多了吧！但我知道，心是很重要的，别忽略自己内心的感受，但也别忽略他人的感受。

猜1猜

2009-07-29T07:01:00.000-07:00

什么动物会讲广东话。。。？

什么人每天在找他的笔。。。？

next time......

2009-07-27T03:15:00.000-07:00

next time, want to introduce a good artist to you all~Toshimoto Hara.

Nice and cute pictures......

心情抒发

2009-07-27T01:33:00.000-07:00

今天的天气很灰，有点让人窒息的感觉。我也忘了多久没有看见很蓝很蓝的天空，很白很白的云朵，有点怀念。不知明天会不会一场大雨来袭，洗去肮脏的灰，呈现出我思念已久的蓝，还是蔚蓝。这几天，大家的心情不是那么的好，也许天气也是其中的一个因素，灰灰的，很不郁闷。徽徽，阿 Ong 老师和我（不知阿Looi老师是不是也是心情不好），都有点不开心。徽因为不开心，把心情都抒发在她的部落格，看了有点伤心但又有点感动，哈，徽总是让我百感交集。徽的部落各布满着如今很多人都没有的童真，虽然没有刻意的文法，但阅读完后的心情是很温馨的，我也无法写出这么扣人心弦的文章。我好喜欢徽的文笔色彩，她的感情带动了文章的去向，而不是她的文法，即简单又生动。徽，别伤心了，你会长大的，以后要照顾我哦！哈！

阿ong老师呢，有点害怕他，因为今天我回答不到他的问题，有种要被他打得感觉。幸亏他没打我，不然我会不敢再问他数学了。哈，阿ong 老师，sorry o！阿ong 老师和可爱，很喜欢讽刺我们，但也很疼我们，因为他说跟他吃饭，他绝对不给我和徽付钱（哈，那哪里好意识哦！）。老师说话很坦白又直接，也许太直接，我又有点听不懂；不过，我们还在学习当中。你就等我们青出于蓝的一天吧！

A Looi 老师，很搞笑。他和阿Ong 老师整天一唱一和，好像夫妻一样很有默契。不过looi 老师很怕老婆，依我估计因该有70%的害怕程度（猜猜而已）。阿Looi老师也很白痴，有时候会发现他会做出很幼稚的行为，但这时候的他也很可爱。

噢，似乎不是很认识很认识你们，因为写不出了。不用紧，我还需要一些的时间才能彻底的认识你们。不过，真的很高兴能够认识你们，大家一起GAMBATEA吧！

Thank you Teacher Ong

2009-07-24T02:21:00.000-07:00

Teacher Ong, this one is for you one. Haiz, i think i need to upgrade to CS2 otherwise it doesn't have enough functions for me to use. Like circle, i need to use mouse to draw and i can't find any icon which is used to draw circle. So very sorry la, as the doremon' s head is a bit "sen ye". Thanks for today treating us a nice and hyper full lunch in Jaya One duck king, haha, next time i think a Looi teacher won't dare to play "one two som" with Hui Hui as he may need to have the whole teapot drank finished again. Anyway, thank you teacher Ong.

Rainbow

2009-07-23T04:59:00.000-07:00

This one is purposely for my best friend Hui Hui, as she wants rainbow for long time ago. I tried many effect but this one is the most i like~ gaussion + radial effect.

Hui Hui, hope this rainbow will make you happy.

Tree

2009-07-23T04:27:00.000-07:00

Guess what? this is a tree. Very hard to draw as it is a mouse not a pencil, somehow very hard to control by just using touch pad. I like to draw tree, tree is just the combination of lines, vertical and horizontal lines combine together.

To me, every tree has a soul. It likes a human, it has a heart, nose, mouth, hands and legs. But they are very unfortunate as their leg are buried into the land and they need land to sustain their lifes, hence they can't move like a human. They have no freedom.

They like to talk to their friends such as birds, winds, lands, and grasses, gossipping about human. They like to use their hand(branches) to wave and singing with the birds. Sometimes, i talk to the tree, which located in PB (parking space behind), i said" thank you, tree, for helping my car to block the sun." So every day, i will say thank you to them and i will touch them tenderly( just their leaves), and say good bye too. I can't hear them, but i know they can hear me. Am i insane? ha, i don't think so.....just that it seem like i know them long time ago.

ha, will they be very lonely as they have longer life span than human?I should have asked them one day.

Black and white

2009-07-21T08:04:00.000-07:00

Any comment on this picture? Any thinking appears in your mind when you 1st look at this picture?

Today is opinion collection, wait for feedbacks from you all. thanks.

SCREAMING!!!

2009-07-20T08:04:00.000-07:00

Screaming is an exercise for our mouth. Who seldom opens his or her mouth can try to scream to improve his or her mouth movement. Scream as loud as you can and try to throw all the unhappy emotions out just goes through the exhausted screaming exercise.I used to do it before when i was in my secondary school. After finish practising dancing, it was about 6 pm something, no one in the school compound, so this was the best moment for us to scream as loud as we could. Ya, it is true that scream helps a lot to our health and it can reduce the possibility of getting hypochondrium.

I would like to scream again if there is a chance for me, but i prefer group screaming. If there is a group of people scream together, the atmostphere is more funny and it can help to reduce more stresses than screaming individually. Ha, don't know why, when the moment i drew this picture, the part that i kept repeating drew and earased was the "mouth". As mouth is the topic and it should be looked like a screaming mouth, besides, by looking at this picture, it should be giving people an intuition that "she is really screaming!"..... Ha, am i right? Ohterwise, my picture is failed!

Ha, by the way, after screaming, every thing should be happy go lucky and let bygones be bygones.Don't stuck on the same problem again and again, put it down and walk around, then the problems can be solved by a relax heart. Talk is easy and action is hard, i am now is stucking, wanted to find someone to scream with me, anyone volunteer? submit your name to me and we find one day to go out and scream together.

1, 2, 3......AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pic

2009-07-16T03:25:00.000-07:00

Lucky, i managed to sign my name there. Using computer to draw somehow the drawing effect is not so nice. I tried to use the CS effects to make the frame and the hairy thing, it made some sight effect. White blackground with some black and white thick lines to contrast. The messy hairy lines make it likes a strong wind. Suddenly i have a feeling that white colour can be input within this strong wind and made it more comprehensive.

Love sea

2009-07-14T10:50:00.000-07:00

当我们两来到了海边，

望着大海及蓝天，

望着水里的鱼儿，

彼此的心灵都有着同样的感受：

大海象征爱情，

水里的鱼儿象征爱得守护着，

我们站在海边，

我们的爱情在呼吸。

一股一股的海风打落在我们的身上，

我们已溶入进爱情的海里，

没有时间，

没有国度，

多么快乐，

自在，

在这无际的大海里漂流。

缘分

2009-07-14T10:37:00.000-07:00

突然很有感触对于缘分这两个字眼，也许觉悟了什么。

现在是凌晨12.33，睡不着，脑袋一直在寻找着某些答案。在想着的同时来了一股莫名的冲动，好想看回以前的日记。于是就爬了起来，反正都失眠了，就利用这段失眠的时间来完成我想要完成的东西。

开了灯，翻开了日记，开始阅读了起来。在阅读的过程，我产生了无数的感触，嘴角也有意无意的上扬了好几次，在嘲笑当时的自己。原来年轻的我是多么的罗马底克，对爱情的僮景是如此的美妙，海枯石烂，天长地久，爱得死去活来地，或是渴望着轰轰烈烈地爱情故事。回想起来，我真的不知该怎么去形容当时的思想，如真的非要去形容，我会选择用颜色去表达~粉红色带点蔚蓝，这意味着幸福和甜蜜中带点渴望，把这惟美的爱情点缀着无数的希望。在嘲笑自己的同时，我也开始疑问自己，到底缘分是什么？它意味着什么？到底是缘现到，才到份，或是份才到缘？或是两个同时发生？

缘的存在代表着在一个星期内会无意的遇见对方3~4次的可能？或无意地一起出席同样一场演唱会？或在电影院遇见对方无数次等等？如是我，我会问自己说到底是上天的安排，还是他故意出现在我的面前？难道他一直在跟踪我？份又是什么咚咚呢？可以有份没缘吗？可以说在没缘的情况下，就因为一见钟情就共结连理吗？生命中真的什么可能都会有，莫名其妙的故事一直在身边发生，那我们其中一位吗？

回想起和小鸥的相识，真的带给我的人生很大的转折点。他让我懂得什么叫初恋，什么是只有水没有面包的爱情，懂得什么是甜蜜。同时的，他的不回头，也教会了我什么是残酷，什么是变心。缘分真的说来就来，说走就走，让人有一些心理准备都没有。当时的心情是很伤，伤到连哭也哭不出来，但心一直在隐隐作痛，有点要窒息的感觉，这种感觉也维持了足足3个多月。为了让自己好过，我用欺骗自己的手法把伤痛透明化，等到适合的一天才去面对它，把痛苦的记忆实体化，那才确确实实地大哭一场。如今伤也消失得无影无踪，只留下深深地记忆烙印在心的某个小角落，不去触碰也不会有感受。你是不是像我一样呢？

人们很喜欢说“缘分真的很喜欢作弄人”，但深入的去思考，缘分真的是最重要的因素吗？我想不是吧，真正的导线应该是人类的内心。缘分有一半是天赐与我们，另一半是人们自己去制造的。一段有潜在美好的缘分，可能就因为心淡了而化为乌有。一段看似有似无的缘分，就因为双方的爱恋，它产生了化学作用，慢慢地催化成了爱情的结晶。那缘分时人为的吗？或是天意？这要由自己的感觉去判定，对我这种感性的家伙，感觉是我的箭头。

如今我又遇到的人生的第二春，我起初为了保护自己，没有把爱完全的释放，因为害怕再次的伤害，让我们之间的感情出现了许多不完美，瑕疵。但我发现我已经无意间愈来愈爱你了，也许我的懦弱让你委屈了不少，也吃了不少的苦头。不过时间是可以改变及证明一切。让我们的爱情一起畅游在爱琴海的领域里吧！！！加油！！

Dont cry

2009-07-09T06:46:00.000-07:00

Don't cry little girl, when the moment you cried, i was so sad. We bear the same sky together, we need to face the same thing together. No matter how bad the situation in front of us, i will never leave you behind. Please, be brave and even braver, i wish the god will help you to go through the tough moment with you. take care!!!

烦

2009-07-09T03:56:00.001-07:00

今天我问了自己好多的问题，我问自己说：“我到底喜欢数学吗？如果喜欢，那喜欢的程度会到哪里？那华文呢？我喜欢华文吗？我有没有能力拿华文这一科？我到底适不适合呢？华文有前途吗？我的生命是被”前“或”钱“主宰呢？我会不会很冲动做这个决定？我是不是疯了啊？。。。。。。

这些问题在我的大脑里徘徊了许久，应该说久久都无法离去，在重复性地去思考，最后的结果只有一个字能形容~烦。又想起林晓培的歌《烦》，脑袋开始不停地哼了起来，突然觉得自己像是无头苍蝇在猛撞墙壁，同时间拿着麦克风喊：”我好烦啊啊啊啊~~~~“。一个决定真的那么难做吗？人生的决定，前途的决定，到底是主宰在谁的手上？我，父母亲，还是男朋友？我快要疯了，真的要疯了。。。。。。

有种透不过气来的感觉，内心似乎被莫名的气压给镇住了，愈动愈痛，好郁闷哦。为什么总是在做决定的时候那么多阻碍。。。。

歌

2009-07-08T03:23:00.000-07:00

最近的心情总是闷闷地，也许是要生病了，导致郁闷的心情一直徘徊，好不痛快。好久没有真正的用华文来表达自己的心情，似乎生疏了不少，感觉也变了。想象说你好久没吃辣椒了，突然来了一碗麻辣面，你似乎会吃到很痛苦吧。用痛苦两个字眼来形容我对写作的态度，这对我来说可能是种讽刺，不过也很庆幸的是至少我还有颖徽的支持，我又开始了我写作的旅程。谢了，徽。

今天我的主题是-歌。

自从上了大学，我对流行歌的步伐开始愈来愈不熟悉。也许是太忙了吧，读书的时间真的占了这三年来的大学生涯的四分之三，其余的四分之一是到外头走走及看电影，这大学的生涯就在忙碌中度过了。现在回头一看，其实觉得还蛮充实的，佩，徽，和我三人的生活录也让我觉得我的大学生活没有流白，至少没有遗憾的成分。

对于流行歌，我也没有像以前那样执著，反而觉得歌是一种抒发心情的媒介，只要觉得舒服，那就是好歌。那天在车上听到莫文蔚的歌《午夜前的十分钟》，突然有种很怀念的感觉。回到了家，就赶快把它下载了。这首歌真的很有味道，张洪量作曲，李焯雄作词。在下载的当儿，我也去咀嚼它的歌词，好喜欢它的歌词，怎么说呢？孤独得很惟美，让人觉得藏着的思念在寻找着它的另一半，它的坚持就是它的终站。如果我说我会哭当我阅读完它的歌词，会不会觉得我很过分？哈（你哭什么啦？）

寂寞彷佛夜车偷偷出发
转寻找你的温柔我的依靠
自眉头心头世界尽头
音想你的旅程反覆不休
魁不到终点不能回头
网（歌词转自音魁网 www.inkui.com）
ｉ午夜前的十分钟天显得十分空
ｎ一个人的房屋算不算很孤独
ｋ思念原来像天空覆盖我的举动
ｕ记住你的行踪忘记我的初衷
ｉ（歌词转自音魁网 www.inkui.com）
· 放纵记忆像铁路越拉越长
ｃ沿着你的气味虚构我的方向
ｏ不能自己不停止
ｍ你的温柔敲碎我的坚强伪装
　（歌词转自音魁网 www.inkui.com）
　寂寞彷佛夜车就要出发
　爱是孤独车厢唯一乘客
　越过风雨越过霓虹
　不要言语不要形容
　只要我的终站你的臂弯
　（歌词转自音魁网 www.inkui.com）
　午夜前的十分钟天显得十分空
　一个人的房屋算不算很孤独

sad and why?

2009-04-19T08:15:00.000-07:00

sad because of missing you.
thanks for helping me through many tough circumstances
but i cant give u anything
i want to change my life for you as this is the precious thing to me
but it cant reach
as i am not a guy
what can i do?i want you to have a good life
lonely........
outside busy but inside is lonely with tears
what should i do.....
why
why???????
please tell me why?

Holiday mood

2008-11-10T04:51:00.000-08:00

Quite a long time i have not been here, it was because of the bad streamyx. Sometimes it can connect but most of the time it was unable to do so. I hate lagged line and rainy day, because i still couldn't finish downloading my anime " La Corda doro", i still left 2 and half episodes. It is kinda of annoying. Never mind, i intended to buy the anime so that i not need to worry about the streamyx matter.

Incidentally, yesterday i just came back from Genting with Hui's family. Although we were unable to go to theme park due to the foggy outside and raining as well, but we were very enjoyed the Richi Ren's concert. It was nice and Richi Ren was so friendly to the audiences. Besides, the atmosphere was so great and the songs were popular to sing. Hence, we sang together with him. It was really enjoyable and i wish i could attend to concert again.

Perhaps of the holiday mood, it made me so moody this morning, it seemed that i had not enjoy enough during this trip and i would like to be in genting again with Hui. I wanted to play and play and play. Maybe most of my times is used for study, sleep and eat, therefore once i go out then i not willing to come back again. haha,how bad am i! I can conclude that, i am becoming lazy now........

La corda doro

2008-10-28T21:02:00.000-07:00

Some of my friends asked me to put some pictures on it, but truly to say, i really don't have any nice pictures to show , besides i rarely take pictures. In the future, i may not say i won't but i will try my best to find some nice pictures to show to you all. Sigh, people like me so ugly where to have nice picture to show? I try to find if there is any. Ha

These few days, Hui and i really addicted to an anime called " La Corda doro". It is very nice and the story is saying that there were few musicians who were be selected in taking part in a school competition. The music is very nice and i like Chopin very much. Unfortunately, these few days the network was down and i hardly opened the movie. Hence, to console myself, i went to youtube to find some Chopin's piano songs to fulfill my desire. It is nice to hear and i like it very very much. If you are interested in this anime, please go to the www.crunchyroll.com to check it out. Nice nice~~

Lastly, i haven't finished my summary, so i need to do it now.bye

haha

2008-10-27T09:03:00.000-07:00

wahahaha........ quite a long time i was not entering to my blog, actually there were some reasons behind, but hardly to tell you all, it is a secret. These few days, i was in an awful situation because i lost my energy to study and also my appetite. But luckily, i still have my best friend,Hui, to support me and she told me not to be too stress. But now it is too late, i intend to go to bed soon. so good night, and see you tomorrow.

Love them

2008-10-22T07:45:00.000-07:00

Today i went out with my grandmother and her friend for a whole day. Firstly, we went to A Yat Bao Yu to have our lunch and after that we went to Amcorp Mall to get my grandma's thing done. After finishing, my grandmother insisted to go to Sri Petaling to buy some textiles. Hence the whole day i did not really study. Besides, the whole day trip really made me so tired even though it was not rushing. In spite of it was tiring, i still need to make it worthy to join this trip. Therefore, i was thinking what is the worthiness that i found in this trip.

I was thinking that when the time i grow old, will i same as my grandmother and her friend? The whole day sitting in front of the television and chasing for Astro on Demand? If Astro on Demand is not available, then watches channel 301~314. If no Astro, then finds my granddaughters and grandsons to play with me. Since we have a great aged gap, will it be hard for us to communicate?If most of my friends disappeared in this world ahead of me, then what should i do without them? Or my husband died before me, then will i be so lonely? If i am single, then i may not have my grandsons and granddaughters to accompany, so how will my life be? lonely, boring, scary or happy?

Looking at my grandma, i feel i am so proud to be her granddaughter because i am able to take care of her and love her. My grandma has difficulty in walking and we are responsible to look after her and protect her from falling down. Lots of people use a very peculiar eyesight to look a me and at 1st i was very shy and a bit unwilling to do so. But gradually i found that helping my grandma is not a shy thing, conversely, it is a good thing. It can improve our relationship and she is now more care for me.

Sometimes, looking forward is hard because we couldn't foresee so many thing, but we can observe our grandparents then we will have an brief idea about it. Try to love the one who beside you, and help them if they need your help. Without them, you will not be in this world. LOVE THEM with you own heart.

my dream

2008-10-21T07:22:00.001-07:00

A few days before, Hui and i had a long long call. It last about 1 and half hours.

We discussed our future and i reminded her to check for the studying fees, whilst she reminded me to check for the education loans. Although this might not be happening soon but i could easily feel that we are so eager to be together. What i am saying here is we are so looking forward to further our study in overseas. Furthermore, we can cook for each other and help each other to clean the room. Besides, we can shop and exercise together. The most important thing is we can celebrate any festivals together especially birthday. How wonderful is it! i feel like going there now. haha~~
(One thing to emphasize, i am not a lesbian :) )

In addition, we can study together, learn together, sing together and play together. Sometimes we can make jokes of each other, and laugh like a children. If the time is allowed, we may go for traveling and find good foods around. If sometimes i feel sad, she can pacify me and help me go through the difficulties or vice versa. If i angry, she can act like a baby to make me happy or conversely. We share all our sadness and happiness together and live like a heaven. haha. Am i thinking too much? i think so.

I have lots of things to say and i am afraid that i may not finish all of them. But most vital thing for us now is to seize our dreams and do not let it go. Sometimes I really scared that i couldn't achieve our destination and it will make me sad. Hence, i really hope that it is not just a dream and it can come true.

Lastly, let's me make a wish to our future....................

Today

2008-10-16T09:21:00.000-07:00

Today was quite a happy day. This morning I went out with my best friend, Hui, and we have our breakfast in Ah Seng wan tan mee restaurant.The Ah Seng wan tan mee is located at SS15 and the taste is not bad. Quite a lot of people like his wan tan mee but it is a bit dry, overall the taste is nice to eat. Since Hui’s parents brought me there for so many times, hence I know the place quite well. If you really want to go there, you can ask me and I will show you the direction. After having our breakfast, we both went to the comic shop at SS15 to borrow books. Today, I only managed to borrow one book, compared to yesterday I have 4 books. Besides, the DVD shop did not open and Hui’s ‘Slam Down’ has to wait for other day.

I am hereby to say thank you to Hui for accompanying me for breakfast and bringing me to borrow some books. Hence, I won’t be too boring in the evening after struggling P and MLC. I still could see some handsome comic guys and pretty ladies to ‘Destress’. I would like to cheer ~~~ friend forever.

Today lesson is like usual but I am very enjoyed. I am very happy to know that teacher has a 6-months old baby. You know why? Because I may have chance to play with her baby and it is fun. Actually I am quite a long winded person, and some of my friends do not like that. Sometimes they seeked for my advice when they do not understand the question, but what I would do was telling them the whole story for the related principle and using this to lead to the problem. Hence, some of them would get annoy and they would rather find someone. Yes, I admitted that I was really a long winded person. But I am trying my best to reduce my sentences and make it more precise. My teacher teaches me how to write a precise memo and it will help me to be less long winded. Ha

Anyways, I am very tired now and my eyes keep looking at my bed. Good night for anyone and have a nice dream.

Rejuvenation

2008-10-13T01:43:00.000-07:00

The past 2 days, i had dinner with my 3rd kuma and all her friends who were just came back from Bhutan. They talked about the trip and theirs feeling after this tough trip. Even though i have never been there, throughout their conversation, it is enough for me to make my imagination about what the Bhutan is. If you want me to tell you what is it all about, i am sure that is not a problem to me as it is all in my mind. How interesting it is!

They told me about Bhutan environment, culture and scenery. The environment there is good and simple, the air there is fresh. In stead of using transportation they rode horses and they used a walking stick to walk and climb the hills. This is not a relax trip and yet a tough trip for them due to they all are over 50 years old. Nevertheless, they are spiritual and have tried their best to finish the whole trip.

People of Bhutan are really believed in Buddha, they are all Buddhism. You can see how they love the animals, even though a small little, dirty rat, they also care for them. They seldom kill animals and they are mostly vegetarians. I really love their compassion and happiness. Bhutan people are really poor,but they don't even ask you for a single sens and beg you to give them something. A sweet or a photograph for them is enough to make them happy. Compared to India, people there are realistic, they all want money. You can simply observe 4 or 5 years old children begs for money and it is almost every where. In Bhutan, the life there are so simple, they don't even bother their outlooks and hairstyles, they just wear what they want to wear. Comparability for them is nothing.

The scenery there is ok but not so perfect. Hence, they seldom discussed it. Haha, i have lots of to tell but i would prefer to tell you rather to write it here. If really interested in Bhutan, i would be glad to tell you the whole story verbally.

After hearing what my kuma and her friends said, i really need to find a place to travel and rejuvenate myself. Bhutan is such a peaceful place and i couldn't reject it. I want to breathe so hard for the fresh air and do some meditation there. Even though i make so much imagination, i can feel myself there.

What's a peaceful land for rejuvenation!!!!

Sad, moody, sad

2008-10-09T23:17:00.001-07:00

Having the bad times for the past few days, feeling very unhappy and moody

Results released 2 days before, i have an unfavorable result. Even though i am able to pass all subjects, i still couldn't accept the result that i had seen in the board. Some subjects really out of my expectation and some subjects i thought i will be bad but at the end it turned out to be quite good. But some subjects i thought will be good it turned out to be bad, it really hurts. At first, i thought i could appeal for remarking but after thinking, i stopped my action. If the result after remarking appears to be the same, what should i do?

The 1st thing i am really concerned for, is the person who supports me in my study. I think this time will be a hard time for me and her. Sorry to tell her that i get such an awful results. I chose the way of writing email to her rather than i telling her straight away. The moments i know my results, i look up to the sky and i really hope for a big rock falling from the sky to hit my head. But no rock at all, just a usual white ceiling above me.Blank and Sad.........

Nevertheless, i still need to face her and the reality. The fact is the fact and i need to accept it in stead of i run away without doing anything. I think i becomes more mature compare to the past. For the 1st semester, if i have bad result, i would be very unhappy for few days and unwilling to talk to someone who scored higher marks than me. This time, i choose to accept rather than escape. Ha, this is the thing that i really proud of.

I am hereby to say sorry to her and i will try my best in the future.

Tired

2008-10-07T07:35:00.000-07:00

Throughout the whole day study, i am really exhausted. PPPPPP~ why you are so hard to study?tired................

One minute ago, i received Ying Hui's message," sleep ad?"

Ying Hui, Ying Hui,Ying Hui, you know why i love you so much because you always accompany when i was bored and chit-chat with me when you have found some new topics. Thank you my dear, you really are the best, and it is not doubt!

Ying Hui always calls me when she is boring during her study periods and I have tried to count how many times a day i received her call and messages. After calculating, i felt so guilty and sorry for her. She is the one who calls me more than i call her and she messages me more than i message her. Sorry Ying Hui, i think i still need to improve myself to be so called a best friend of you. That is the reason why i still could not see rainbow with you. The sky need my effort as an evidence to prove that i am a good friend of you, then he is just willing to show rainbow to me and you. Again, very and extremely sorry for you.

Just now my 3rd kuma called me, she has just left the airport and on her way back to Bangsar. I am very happy and glad to hear that my 3rd kuma is safe. She phoned my grandmother to ensure that she was safely arrived and everything was fine. My grandmother is really care for her whilst my 3rd kuma loves my grandmother so much. What a happy family!

Suddenly, i feel so missing my family in Penang. How are you all? you all need to take care yourself and try not to eat too much hot and spicy foods. I love you all. Muaz.......

tired.......... going to bed soon.

Before that, i would like to make a wish for tomorrow. I wish Sok Pei will have a happy birthday.

Smashing time

2008-10-02T05:49:00.000-07:00

I have a smashing time for today lesson. Everything went smoothly and the teacher is so kind to me. Looking backward, i suddenly feel so sorry for her as i had a bad imagination for her.

I would like to apologise to her, Ms Regina, who is a my tuition teacher and also a university lecturer, sorry for making such terrible judgment on you. Hope you don't mind for that. One interesting to share is ,we both are from Penang, Bukit Mertajam. That is so coincident! Haha, world is too small..........

2mr lesson

2008-10-01T06:22:00.000-07:00

What a boring day for today! everthing seems to be the same and nothing much to change.

Hearing what ying hui told me yesterday, i was quite shocked for that. Actually tommorrow will be my first english writing lesson, i haven't prepared anything yet and it seemed to be late for me to prepare my english. English couldn't be prepared, it has to be performed on the spot and few days of preparation couldn't make the work done. One hour before, i have read some article which was teaching us how to write a report and what should you do to polish up your english and etc. I have read all through once and found some new words and i recorded it down for convinience of revising.

Simultaneously, i found some fuuny thing which was the english lesson for children. Let me show you the website first~~www.mingoville.com. There are lots of flamingoes and one of the flamingoes is the main director who teach you how to play the game. It is quite colourful with the blackground and it makes me feel like playing facebook ~ pet society. Haha, i like colourful thing and that's why this website attracts my attention. You can go and try it out if you like it.

Suddenly something flashes in my mind, it makes me feel uncomfortable again ~ the atmosphere for tommorrow lesson. Can i escape? It makes me feel so horrible as i haven't seen the teacher before and who knows the first lesson is nothing just " please write a report for me now, as i want to see which level are you in ." Damn it, i know the first i will do is looking at her with my innocent eyes and telling her that i know nothing. "Bang!!!!" she slapes on the table and use her finger to point at me and says," Dare you say it again?huh!". Can you imagine the circumstances ?how horrible is it? What i can do is looking at her speechlessly and say," i will try to do now, okay?"

I think i am going crazy now, my good imagination leading me to such a scary situation. Crying is useless. In stead of crying, i need to make myself more stronger,or even strongest. I will not be scared and i will be brave enough to attend the class.

Wahhahahahahahhahaha...................................................

density of life

2008-09-30T02:16:00.001-07:00

Density of life~ this sentence is quite familiar with you right?
As i had written this sentence in my displyed msn title before and quite many of my friends asked me what does this sentence mean. But at the end , they all were very despaired...... i didn't give them any answer , my answer is " i just simply wrote".(Kinda feel to hit me right?haha)

Just now looking at a word 'dense', then i saw a word ' density' was below it , suddenly it made me think of something. Therefore, i think i should write something on this sentence since i created long time ago and until now i never use a sinlge word to explain before. Ya, quite proud of myself, i mean my creativity.

For whom are studied Actuarial Science year 3 semester 1 , do you all still remember the subject ~advanced calculus? One of the chapter which are finding all the density using intergration if i am not mistaken. I still remembered the lecturer- Mr. Loo, who is very smart in using those graphs to show us a better and clearer picture of the power of intergration. I love pictures that is why i remember him.

For the density chapter, he used a simply drawn shape, and he put a dot in the middle as a density and he said we should use formula to find the dotted place then that is the density value. If i said wrongly, please to correct me as i just have partial memories for it. Because of that picture, i remembered i was thinking of something, which is our life.

How to find the density of our life? is it can be derived by using all the calculation formula? if we really can find the density which can be implied that our life is already in balance manner? Since we have studied life contigency 2 and the expectancy of life which can said to be density?

'Density is a measure of how much mass is contained in a given unit volume (density = mass/volume). Density defined in a qualitative manner as the measure of the relative "heaviness" of objects with a constant volume.(in physical manner) '

But what is the density for life? can i use my mass divided by my volume then i get my density?
My density here is refered to whole life, and based on this to find our own densities. haha, somebody may think why i find a hard way for myself, just forget about that stupid question. ya, i myself also think like that. ok, i would like to make a brief conclusion.

Everyone may have their on way of thinking for the word 'density', ignored what the physics teacher taught in the class, using your own imagination , actually density can be anything which can be quite abstract.

2008-09-28T05:41:00.001-07:00

Lady and Gentlemen,

I've tried.
Don't blame me before you understand the reasons behind.
Your eagle eyes showing me that you hate me so much that making me upset all the time when i look at you.

SOmetimes i was thinking that, to leave the world with my purity soul and heart, however, it is seemed to be bad in this situation. I hate myself so much that giving you all so much worries but i 've tried not to.

Did you all notice that? it been around me for a year and it couldn't be elinimated. Stray away might be a good way but i can't leave you all without any contributions.

Bear with me my friends, try to sing with me and talk to me.

I give you all my soul and heart,no feedback is needed, just a single heart and a single song.

i love you.

moody

2008-09-28T05:10:00.000-07:00

Moody for today.

My bad flu making me quite moody as i couldn't think much and dizzy as well.

Nevermind, i still can play my pet society.